Ohhhhhh

Ohhhh … It feels as though something is off, something is in the wrong place in my bones. Consequently the sensation in the area feels like a dull knife’s blade cutting the bone and the leg is being squeezed by a tourniquet. No matter the position, standing, lying, sitting, the sensations remain the same. Walking is worse. Weight, the release of weight and swinging my leg forward all provoke this bundle of perceptions.

I had surgery, I had an SI fusion that I chose to have to decrease the level of pain and to increase my abilities and quality of life. It’s been 6 weeks. It’s hard for me not to go to a place of fear that something is wrong or that this is how it will be.

I had plans today. After days of feeling similarly and trying to get out of my home and yard to engage in life around me I had plans. I’ve cancelled one engagement with a client. I just feel like crying and want to be present for the feelings that are arising here. They are so in my immediate experience body, mind and spirit, this is where I’m focused as needs be, as body, emotions need tending.

I have brought myself, my canvas, my paints outside in our yard. This is the place spirit is nurtured, being is nurtured, where I can move into the field of a place greater than myself, and feel the healing and love that reside genuinely and so evidently here in a non verbal, undemanding, gracious and gently guiding way.

The birds fly in and out of the blossoming spring yard, chickadees, LBJ’s (little brown jobs), and brilliantly yellow whatevers. The humming birds zoom busily around the space, chickadees echoing the call of ‘Hi Sweetie’ as our fountains bubble away in the background symphony. I feel the sun, the breeze and watch as the barberry’s red and green leaves undulate and the resident squirrels chase each other.

The pain has not gone, nor the sadness, yet something has softened as I open to the love I feel in the movements and life of Nature. She offers me some profound wisdom, a deep connection, I am not alone here.

I am crying in pain and paradoxically also in gratitude that I can appreciate this.