Out in the World

Out and about in the world I become more aware of my disability;  challenges walking, use of a cane, increased pain and limits on distance. In every way the disability is augmented. At home, the cane (Leny) is only used if the pain is too much. I am in my routines, nowhere is too far, again, unless the pain level is extreme and then, even ten feet becomes a major commitment, undertaken only if the magnitude of the need warrants it.

At home, no one is watching me, disability, unwitnessed. Somehow witnesses bring the limitations newly to my eyes. I wonder, as I rest, perhaps I’m making it all up, maybe the leg is not so bad now, maybe the nerve damage isn’t really permanent, maybe I don’t really need the cane, I won’t have leg pain and won’t limp. Maybe none of this is really true. 

I watch children jump and run, athletic youngsters jog and bike, older folks, probably my age, walk quickly past me. I take a step, immediately dissolving thoughts of disbelief, yet again, the pain and limitations seem a surprise, hum, still true. This questioning, disbelief and surprise is an odd recycling loop.